


new perspective

by oikawhale



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abuse, Abused!Hinata, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst and Feels, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Child Abuse, DO NOT READ IF YOU'RE TRIGGERED, Depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Heavy Angst, I'm Going to Hell, I'm so sorry Hinata, KageHina - Freeform, M/M, Physical Abuse, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sexual Abuse, Triggers, Verbal Abuse, angsty!hinata, basically a vent fic because i have too many problems lololol, depressed!hinata, i warned you, idk how to tag, kageyama is so gentle, please love me lol, sugawara is a mum, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-21
Updated: 2016-10-22
Packaged: 2018-08-23 21:09:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8342848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oikawhale/pseuds/oikawhale
Summary: Hinata was broken.Everyone could see it.
But they just didn't know how they could help.
 
[
" Even a child with no level of maturity could tell that there was something wrong with Hinata Shoyo.
There always had been, really. "
]





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is a vent fic.  
> only because i have a lot of problems  
> and i don't know how else to express them.
> 
> if you are triggered,  
> DO NOT READ.
> 
> that is all.
> 
> comments are appriciated!

_Broken lines across his mirror._

_Show his face, all red and bruised. And though he screamed and screamed, no one came running._

_No, he wasn't safe._

 

"No one can hear your screams, so you're all mine, dumbass fag."

Hinata Shoyo looked way from his reflection, to the door of his bedroom. The man leant against the frame, grey eyes steely with unsightly fortitude, expression impartial. In his hand, a belt, the buckle stained with his own son's blood, from years of use as a weapon.

"Hi, dad."

His fingers quivered in the pockets of his jeans. Hinata could feel the revulsion radiating off his father, could see it in his bloodthirsty glare, could smell it bating the air polluted with his trepidation.

"What did I say about talking back?"

 

That strand of hope inside of Hinata snapped.

( Not that there was hope there, anyway.)

 

He closed his eyes, focusing on the fear that twisted his stomach. "Not to do it," he whispered. His voice was hoarse and quiet - a tone he never thought he'd use, for someone who should have seemed cheerful.

 

"And what did you do?"

 

A beat of silence. Hinata didn't want to talk.

"Answer me, Shoyo."

 

But he had to.

"D-do it."

 

The man grinned, not fatherly or compassionately but evil and voraciously instead. Hinata knew that smile. He knew what it meant.

And it didn't mean anything good.

"Why're you looking at me like that, gay fag? You scared?" the man goaded. The leather of the belt made a noise reminiscent to skin hitting water as it struck the doorframe.

 

Gay fag.

 

That was all this was about. The fact that his father couldn't see why it should be okay for his son to be different.

 

_' Hope was a liar, destiny was a cheat, but worst of all._

_Love._

_Love was a thief._

_It takes what was yours._

_What is meant to be blinded by beauty they refuse to see._

_It opens their hearts and closes their eyes._

_But while they're busy dreaming._

_It stole them blind. '_

"Shoyo! Don't fucking ignore me!"

"S-sorry," Hinata mumbled. His fingers tangled in his lap and he swallowed a gag, his emotion only tightened by the cigarette his father obnoxiously sucked on. He detested that smell. The acrid odor of chemical loathing.

Each cigarette the man smoked was lit by a flame of his hatred for his own family.

 

"What were you doing? Staring at yourself in the mirror, pretty boy?"

"N-no-"

"Oh, for fuck's sake, Shoyo! You're turning into more a fairy everyday!" his father reprimanded, without even letting Hinata finish. The belt buckle hit his dresser now, causing cracked pictures of a broken childhood to fall to the floor.

Hinata fell backwards, jumping away in a blind fleet of panic. The man swung the belt around like a rope as he stepped over the mess of clothes on the floor, eyes dark and teeth bared in a chided snarl.

 

At that moment, all Hinata wanted to do was sink backwards into his mirror, into the undisturbed world his reflection lived in.

 

"D-dad, please-"

"Shut the fuck _up_ , Shoyo!"

The man grabbed his shoulders and whirled him around. He didn't hit Hinata, but the wrenching feeling of his shoulder being yanked by someone much larger and stronger than him was what made him gasp and writhe. The belt still hung from his fingers, the tainted buckle touching at a bruise under his shirt.

And dim honey-brown clashed with heated thunder grey.

They tore at each other's colours, fighting for domination through blended emotion, but the thunderstorm won over the swamp. One gaze petrified, the other ravenous with violent authority.

"I hope you die, Shoyo," his father spat, and threw him to the floor.

The force of the shoe against his ribcage was rattling; Hinata could barely see his father bring his foot away, ready to deal another blow. Instinctively he curled in on himself, trying to block it out-

But those hisses of _fag_ and _gay_ and _whore_ wove its way into his ears, hitting his brain with the force of a sledgehammer.

No-

This was all too much.

 

He needed to get out.

* * *

 

 

It was dark.

He couldn't make sense of it. No matter how many times he blinked the sleep away from his eyes, it remained dark.

But then, his vision cleared, and Hinata Shoyo rather abruptly realized that he was staring at the ceiling of his bedroom.

 

_It must be early in the morning_ , his mind supplied helpfully.

 

His heart was pounding so hard that Hinata was sure it would burst out of his ribcage. Fingers touched at his chest, and he fell back into his pillow, eyes closing almost contentedly as his body relaxed.

Hinata was shaking. One look at his hands told him this. It wasn't cold underneath the warm comfort of his duvet covers - it was almost startlingly hot, in fact. Though he felt he should confused, his mind told him differently.

He knew why he was scared.

 

_Nightmares._

Hinata had been getting them every night for as long as he could remember.

 

Sometimes, he would have the same one for a week or so.

It usually ended up with him re-living the experience, only in his sleep. Those nightmares consisted of some of the smaller traumas in his life. They weren't so bad; after all, he could know what to expect after a few days.

And they would stop after a week.

They would be replaced with a new memory, to be replayed over and over, until the next one came along.

It was a routine he was used to, and he was comfortable with that.

 

But then there were the nights when that routine fell out of place.

 

He would wake up, shaking and terrified and crying and crying and crying, until he couldn't take it anymore, and he would be out of his bed and out of his house and running and running and running-

They would only occur once or twice a month, but they shook him to the bone every time.

 

 

"Fuck," Hinata whispered, rubbing his face with his hands.

Wincing as bare feet touched the cold wooden floor, he slipped into the corridor. It was quiet, but not comfortably so; it was almost as if there was something waiting in the corners, manifesting in the dark, readying their pounce.

But Hinata just blamed his superstition on his anxiety and continued onward to his destination.

Covering the window in the middle of the corridor was a navy curtain, and Hinata instinctively looked at the top of it for information of the time. There was no light bathing the ceiling above it, only a pale slither that he recognized as the moon's beautiful ray.

_One, maybe. One in the morning._

Even for Hinata - an insomniac with more mental issues than friends - it was too early to be awake.

A normal time for a night owl like him was around three. He had school that day, and while sleeping in class wasn't considered atypical for him, he really couldn't handle anymore detentions or phone calls home.

 

If only they knew...

The yellow light in his bathroom contrasted sharply with the darkness his eyes had previously been exposed to, but he was quick to grow used to it.

Sleepily, Hinata rubbed his eyes. The shower was vibrating (they had never known why it had done that - but they had never thought to get it looked at either) and the noise irritated his ears, but other then that, he was feeling a little better.

The movement was enough to relax him.

Lying in bed would have worsened it.

 

_Holy-_

Looking in the mirror was something he should not have done.

His skin was so pale, he could have been lost in the snow. Against the pallor ghostliness of his face his freckles were accented, clearer than ever against his button nose and thin, protruding cheekbones.

Hinata knew he should eat more, but what with his family situation...

In the light, the dark smudges underneath his dulled eyes were heavier, portraying his constant lack of sleep in an almighty orchestra of ugly colour. It looked revolting against his skin, and Hinata knew, but he had never found the confidence to do something about it. He couldn't avoid the nightmares, after all.

And his eyes. Those were what Hinata hated the most about himself.

The colour used to be a warm honey brown, sparkling with his grin as the brilliant golden sun touched at his beautiful gaze. That was a long time ago, back when his family life had been normal.

But now, their glimmer had dimmed, and the happy fire that had once ignited his eyes had turned to embers made of broken stone.

They looked so lonesome, Hinata barely registered as he stared at himself in the mirror. The raw glint that revealed a world of darkness and even though he tried to hide it with a smile, the facade was always betrayed by his eyes. The dark, colourless eyes that mourned his despair.

_Gross. You look disgusting._

 

Hinata shook his head, touching at the bruise just above his eyebrow. It wasn't obvious - faded by time - but he hated it.

It served as a reminder.

_The man grabbed his shoulders and whirled him around. He didn't hit Hinata, but the wrenching feeling of his shoulder being yanked by someone much larger and stronger than him was what made him gasp and writhe. The belt still hung from his fingers, the tainted buckle touching at a bruise under his shirt._

He exhaled, and dropped his hand to his side again.

 

Despite not having anywhere to go for another couple of hours, Hinata felt immoral, as if looking this _horrifying_ would taint him permanently.

So he fixed himself up. He readjusted his shirt, so it wasn't creased but straight and orderly instead, and ran a shaking hand through his messy orange locks in order to gain some control over them. That was a problem he had always been haunted with - gross carrot-top hair that failed to fall into place no matter how hard he tried.

It wasn't common in Japan.

Maybe that's why they bullied him at school.

(Because the home abuse was for another matter entirely.)

And, after putting on a smile that was far too fake, he finally stepped out of the bathroom.

 

It had gotten only a little lighter since he had last looked above the curtain. Instead of the pale illumination the moon radiated, there was a tint of orange touching the ceiling, and Hinata recognized it as the beginnings of the sunrise.

Dawn.

When the sun would bathe the jagged horizon in all of its fiery glory.

Reds, oranges, pinks and purples - all vibrant and alive - would paint the sky, brushing away the dark tendrils of midnight with each ray of new hope.

Hinata loved the sunrise. It would bring renewed life into his heart. It would warm his chest, when he felt as cold and as desolate as the night time itself. It would discolour his reality, but in a way that he craved so, so much.

But Hinata didn't lift the curtain to watch it anymore.

 

_"Watching the sunrise, eh? What a fucking pussy. When did you turn into a pussy, Shoyo?"_

_"Maybe I should kill you, just like I did to your mother."_

_"Fags like you don't belong in this world."_

 

Hinata shuddered as his fingers ran over the scars lining his wrists.

 

* * *

 

 

Sugawara had always been the unspoken 'mum' of the team.

Whenever someone was sad, he would always be there to comfort them. Whenever someone got injured, he would be the one to stay by their side until they recovered, no matter how severe it was. He could read anyone with that unnatural motherly sense of his.

Today, however, was different.

Even a child with no level of maturity could tell that there was something wrong with Hinata Shoyo.

 

There always had been, really.

No one had mentioned it before. Not to Hinata, anyway. Even Sugawara was too nervous to see his reaction if they told him of their superstitions.

 

It had started when Sugawara had first met Hinata.

He had been nervous, but it wasn't that 'I'm new and I'm meeting new people' anxiety that everyone went through once or twice in their life time. That much was easy to tell from a single glance.

Kageyama had been standing close to the smaller boy when Sugawara had first come into the gym to say hello. This wouldn't have been a problem for a lot of people, and Hinata hadn't said anything to object, but Sugawara was good at reading body language.

He was afraid that Kageyama would harm him.

Quivering fingers, gripping the ends of his sleeves. Skin so pale that he could have been a ghost. Looking constantly at Kageyama out of the corner of his eye, dim brown eyes wide in something that resembled fear.

And Kageyama had only just met the middle blocker. There was nothing he could have done to trigger this behavior, as far as Sugawara was aware anyways.

 

This continued on.

Sometimes, Sugawara would see a bruise or two on his face. It would always strike some sort of concern within the team, however Hinata would only say, "oh, I tripped and hit my head! Silly me!" before putting on a wide, sparkling, _fake_ grin.

Other times, Sugawara would see the end of his hoodie ride up, and he'd notice slithers of fabric white on his wrists.

_Bandages_ , he had told himself.

 

It hurt to see Hinata like that.

But Sugawara just didn't know how to tackle the issue.

 

He had ruled out the possibility of asking Hinata's parents a long time ago. As far as he was concerned, the entire problem centered around their so-called 'perfect care' - and who knows what might happen if he took the risk.

So he had discussed it with the team.

They, too, had been wondering about their resident ball of sunshine. Despite the incredibly excited facade he managed to put on, Hinata had spiked worry within nearly everyone he played with.

Kageyama had been the shakiest. He had thought it was something to do with him.

And then his anxiety for the middle blocker had only worsened as Sugawara elaborated on his suspicion.

 

_"Abuse?" Nishinoya repeated, his hand holding his hair as he considered the possibility._

_Nodding solemnly, Sugawara impressed his stare upon the other members. "It only makes sense, right? The bruises. The bandage on his arm. The anxiety around other people. The... fake smile."_

_"... we can't let it go on anymore. I'm worried, Sugawara," Daichi fretted calmly._

_"I am too, Daichi," Sugawara mumbled, resting a hand on the captain's broad shoulder. He could feel the taller male was quaking under his touch, most likely out of anxiety for their smaller teammate._

_"But how do we start? Who knows what might happen if we call authorities?  What if whoever is doing this to Hinata finds out? Besides, we have no confirmed evidence and-"_

_Tanaka's sigh interrupted Sugawara in his panicked motherly babble. It sounded heavy and unusually serious, giving the impression that the spiker was truly worried about their resident ball of sunshine._ _We need to get him to open up before we can do anything."_

_"So..."  Asahi nervously rubbed at his chinstrap. "... we wait?"_

_Regretfully, Sugawara nodded. "Indeed."_

 

So, they waited.

 

"Hello!"

 

 

Sugawara looked up from where he was dropping loose volleyballs back into the cart, to see Hinata Shoyo stood in the doorway, excitedly rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet.

"What's with being so late, dumbass?" Kageyama challenged from the other end of the gym. The middle blocker snapped his head to look over at the setter, but otherwise made little reaction to the language they were all used to by now.

"Yeah, I missed you!" Tanaka's voice added loudly, and Sugawara couldn't help but chuckle quietly at the very thought.

"Sorry, I just woke up late..." Hinata conceded, rubbing the back of his head and smiling oh-so-falsely. "Are we going to start or what?"

 

During warm-up, all of those negative thoughts had slithered away from Sugawara's mind, and suddenly he found himself focused on practice instead of Hinata. The atmosphere was cheery and light, and even Tsukishima had the heart to joke around as the team stretched their arms over their heads and lunged.

"Kageyama, what's the face for?" Nishinoya testified, sparkling toffee eyes set upon the setter.

Pale cheeks reddened as Kageyama looked away from the libero, brows meeting in a grouchy scowl. "I wasn't doing a face, idiot," he countered. "Look at the face  _Tsukki_ is pulling, though."

Mid-lunge, Tsukishima fixed the setter with an angry glower. "Don't call me that!" he hissed, sharp golden gaze ignited with an angry flame. "And I wasn't pulling a face, just so you know."

"But- but you looked so... hateful," Kageyama pointed out.

"That's because I hate you," Tsukishima digressed in smooth acknowledgement.

Both Tanaka and Nishinoya 'oohed' at the setter and Kageyama's face tightened from a scowl to a murderous glare, however it failed to match the blocker's quietly distasteful expression.

It was within the quick-fire banter that Sugawara realized just how quiet Hinata was being. For such an outwardly talkative person, it sure was uncharacteristic for him to be so mute. The boy was standing a little way away from everybody else, not watching the conversation but staring at his feet as he lunged.

"Oi, Hinata," the doe-eyed setter spoke, after everyone seemed to have noticed his concern.

The ginger looked up, orange hair revealing the bruise just above his eyebrow before it fell back into place. "Yeah?"

"You okay? You're being unusually quiet today," Sugawara speculated softly.

"I'm just... kind of tired. Sorry."

 

Everyone shared a look.

Hinata didn't notice. He was looking at the wall now.

 

"You should sleep more, man," Nishinoya declared as he effortlessly stretched his leg behind him.

The middle blocker mimicked his movements just as smoothly. "I do! I spend all night... studying."

 

Another shared look.

(Because everyone knows that Hinata barely knew the definition of studying.)

 

Hinata looked uncomfortable, and Daichi took it upon himself to change the subject.

"I wish I was as flexible as you two," he cajoled with a gentle chortle.

Both Nishinoya and Hinata grinned at their captain. They were stood beside each other, their right legs pulled up behind them to form a perfect 'y' shape; as if they had done it purposely. It was almost scary, their athletic talent.

(Maybe it came with being small.)

"Can you do the splits?" Tanaka inquired.

He was directing the question toward Hinata, however their libero was the first to respond. "Yeah! I can!" he extolled.

 

Immediately, Nishinoya fell to the ground, and the entire team gaped at the boy's sheer flexibility.

It wasn't entirely surprising - he was a libero, after all, and agility was certainly an important aspect in a libero's performance rate - but the splits had always looked startingly unnatural.

The only person who wasn't surprised was Hinata.

 

The middle blocker was barely even looking.

Just how interesting could his _shoes_ be?

 

Nishinoya didn't even look pained by the strain. In fact, he was grinning, his beam powered only by his teammate's silent praise as they gawked at the boy. "Pretty cool, huh?"

"Do you do yoga?" Asahi blurted, cheeks hinted a slight shade of red.

Nishinoya rolled backwards, so he was sat on his backside instead. He winced as he rubbed painfully at his thighs. "No," he groaned, gazing up at the ace, "ow... that hurts every time. I need to practice more."

Shaking his head, Yamaguchi smiled at the libero. "It's impressive, still! I could never do that myself, Noya."

 

"What about you, Hinata? Can you do the splits?"

The middle blocker looked at Tanaka, and panic spread across his features.

Before anyone could say anything, however, boastfulness set over the brief fear, and Hinata took the challenge with a puffed chest. "Hell yeah I can!" he claimed. "Just watch and see-"

 

The middle blocker fell to the floor in the exact manner Nishinoya had, and for a moment, he held the splits just as perfectly.

 

But that was before something changed, and from Hinata's mouth emerged a noise that could not _possibly_ be human, could not _possibly_ be his, so terror-filled and nightmarish it was. It wasn't a wail of horror, however - it was a wail of _pain_. A keen that would chill you right down to the marrow.

And, for a moment, no one moved.

Kageyama was the first to react. He shot forward to catch Hinata as fell against the ground, holding his thigh and sobbing into his knee, body quivering.

 

"Hinata?" the setter mumbled, rubbing the boy's back with his thumbs.

There was no response.

Immediately, Kageyama looked to Sugawara for help.

 

Sugawara sat beside Hinata, who had rested his head against Kageyama's lap, still groping his thigh with a tight expression.

"Shoyo?" he murmured softly. "Shoyo, what's wrong? Can you tell me what happened?"

The middle blocker seemed to falter for a moment. Dim honey eyes met gentle grey.

 

"Uh..."

Sugawara looked over his shoulder, to see Nishinoya staring directly at Hinata's thigh, where the skin was exposed behind his fingertips. "What?" he proposed.

"Look... under his hand..."

 

And Sugawara wished he hadn't.

 

By now, Kageyama had found the sense to gently take Hinata's bandaged wrist and pull it away from his thigh.

The bruise he exposed was of a multitude of hues, colours that normally should not be on someone's skin. There were garish purple splotches, roughly the size of a fist, while others were more grayish.

How had no one noticed that yet? The boy had been wearing shorts, and no one had seen the  _huge fucking bruise_ on his thigh?

And judging by Hinata's expression, he had forgotten it was there.

Another reason to be suspicious.

 

Sugawara wanted to hit himself.

 

"Hinata... where did you get that...?" Kageyama stammered, breaking the silence.

The middle blocker didn't say anything.

 

Instead, he ran.

 

 


	2. the fallen ones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I don't know how to manage this any longer, Kageyama."
> 
> "You might be broken, but you aren't damaged goods, Hinata. You aren't any less valuable than those who consider themselves whole. Stop selling yourself short. Because you know how to manage more than the rest of us."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when did my writing deserve of such love ???  
> THANK YOU SO MUCH
> 
> ( smiling feels nice. did it always feel so nice? )
> 
> comments are appriciated!  
> enjoy!
> 
> PS: this chapter is really short and crap oops

"Fucking stupid. So fucking s-stupid."

The bruises that littered his ribcage jolted as he ran, but Hinata Shoyo took no notice of it.

Slippery grass didn't serve as the most reliable footing, however he managed, and was out of sight before anyone could even yell at him to come back.

 

The world was in hyperdive. Adrenaline pulsated through his veins, every sound magnified to a countless number.

He couldn't breath. His vision was clouding.

 

 

Hinata was good at hiding his bruises.

After all, he'd been doing it his entire life.

And as to avoid raising any suspicion, Hinata's dad had assisted with it.

He didn't even deal any welts on his legs just so Hinata could wear shorts to practice; long joggers would only make people wonder. It was something he was ever so thankful for, because wearing a hoodie to hide his scars overheated him enough.

 

 

But there had been a time when Hinata's drunken father had grown too clumsy, and the belt buckle had hit his thigh instead of his lower torso.

How could he have forgotten? 

 

Ugh, he was so stupid!

 

_That's three cuts for being so careless_.

 

His shoes touched the road. 

The sound of his heart detonating in his ears couldn't even be smothered by the squealing of tires or the angry shouts of the drivers he disturbed. He couldn't focus on that. He couldn't focus on anything.

It felt as if everything was a dream.

He would wake up at any moment, in his bed, gasping for breath and sweating and crying. He would wake up and he would get over his panic and he would remember that it was all a dream.

Then he would come into the gym in the morning, and he wouldn't forget about the bruise on his thigh, and he would just wear jogging bottoms until it faded because his 'shorts were in the wash'.

Oh, God. How he wished _that_ would become a reality.

 

But nothing seemed to pull him out of his dream.

His _nightmare_.

 

The drivers just stared at the boy. Just stared. No one seemed to think that maybe they should help the sobbing teenager as he held his stomach and ran.

And Hinata wasn't complaining. No, he didn't want them to be concerned about him at all. He needed to deal with the problem himself, or his father might hurt someone he cared about.

_Kageyama,_ his mind whispered unhelpfully. Hinata hit himself on the head.

That was why he was hiding it.

That was why he had made himself believe that maybe, if he put on a good enough facade, he would be out of that man's custody.

 

He could no longer control his hands; they were shaking in an odd trembling rhythm as he finally reached the pavement after what seemed like years of running.

That feeling of dread that had crept into his stomach paralyzed him as soon as his foot met the grass on the other side of the road. It held him in a tight embrace, just daring for him to move, chanting and chanting over and over again until he couldn't take in anymore and he screamed.

 

Screamed until his voice grew hoarse.

Screamed until his knees gave way to gravity.

Screamed until someone placed a hand on his shoulder, and whispered sweet comfort in his ear.

 

* * *

 

 

_Instead, he ran._

 

For the third time in ten minutes, Kageyama Tobio was left speechless.

It took a good few minutes of silence for him to figure out what had just happened.

And when he did, he could only say one thing.

 

"Do we go after him?"

 

"No," Sugawara answered quietly.

Kageyama looked down to where the setter was sat on the floor, holding the bridge of his nose. It became apparent that he was crying and even Kageyama's heart of ice melted at the sight.

It was nice to see just how concerned Sugawara was for their resident not-so-happy ball of sunshine.

 

And one look at the rest of the team told Kageyama that they felt the exact same way.

 

Daichi was holding his head in his hands.

Nishinoya was pale, that excited fire in his eyes dim with worry.

Tanaka was barely breathing.

Asahi was just barely holding in his tears.

Yamaguchi was turned away and rubbing his eyes.

Even Tsukishima looked shocked by the new development.

 

"What... what if he hurts himself?" Nishinoya whispered hoarsely. "I don't want anything to happen to our kouhai..."

Shaking his head, Tanaka bounced on his heels. It was if he barely knew what to do with his body anymore. "We have to go after him. We can't just let him run... can we?"

 

"I don't think it's a good idea to just invade on him like that," Daichi decreed. "He needs space right now."

"I wish that wasn't true," Sugawara said. He had gotten off the floor by now and was leaning on the captain, his head buried in his shoulder as he fought back quiet sobs. "I want to comfort him, Daichi."

A soft hum came from the taller wing spiker, but he said nothing.

 

Kageyama couldn't speak.

As much as he wanted to, he couldn't. His throat wasn't responding.

The bruise could have been from anything, but upon overlooking the circumstances...

It was too suspicious to put off as 'another fall down the stairs'.

 

_"Hinata, are you okay?"_

_Sugawara went to touch the middle blocker's shoulder, but his fingers never reached him. The boy was quick to jump away from the contact._

 

_"What're those for...?" Kageyama inquired softly._

_The orange pill bottle glared at him from Hinata's hands, and the middle blocker hurriedly swallowed three of the pills before he slipped it back into his bag and slung it over his shoulder._

_Kageyama didn't chase him as he watched him run._

 

_Daichi was the first to notice the bruise blossoming on Hinata's neck._

_But when he asked, the middle blocker only laughed and said that he had fallen down the stairs._

_No one believed him, but no one said anything either._

 

"We have to go after him."

Sugawara looked up at Kageyama with wide eyes, as if genuinely surprised that the setter had spoken.

"I agree," Tsukishima inputted quietly. He rubbed at his chin, gazing out of the door, which had had been left swinging against the door when Hinata had legged it out of the gym. "Who knows what he might do if he's left alone?"

 

"But what might happen if we _do_ go after him?"

Yamaguchi's offhand comment made Kageyama pause.

 

"We... we don't know." Sugawara moved away from Daichi, and stopped in front of Kageyama. "I think you should go and find out."

"Why me?" Kageyama protested immediately. "He- I can't sympathize with him! I'm awful at talking to people? Why don't _you_ go and do it!?"

Cerulean eyes glowered into fretful grey, the colours clashing like the cold ocean underneath warm white clouds. It remained like this for a few minutes, until Sugawara finally eased away, and he grinned half-heartedly at the setter.

"Because he opens up with you more than anyone else."

 

_"Kageyama?" a quiet voice said._

_There was only one dim light in the room to illuminate the shadows in the corners. Outside, the skies were clouded with the clutches of midnight, and the moon's pale gaze slid through the blinds from the heavens._

_It was only them two in there. Hinata stayed late at the gym to practice his spiking; Sugawara had offered to throw the ball, and Kageyama had said he would toss._

_B_ _ut the vice captain hadn't bothered to get changed out of his gym clothes and had disappeared only after an hour after they had started, which left Kageyama and Hinata alone as they packed everything back into their bags._

 

_"What is it, Hinata?" Kageyama responded._

_He looked up from where he was putting his shoes into his duffel, to the middle blocker sat across the room from him. Kageyama could see his fingers fiddling with the bandage wrapped around his wrist._

_It hurt to see them..._

_... because he knew what was underneath them, even if he hadn't seen it with his own eyes._

 

_"I'm scared."_

_The setter nearly dropped his entire bag onto the floor._

 

_"Why... why're you scared?"_

_Hinata remained silent for a few seconds._

 

_"I-I don't want to g-go home..."_

 

That had been the only thing Hinata had said.

But Kageyama had understood what he was implying completely.

 

_I don't want to go home. I don't want to get hurt again._

 

"Fine. I'll go."

A flicker of excitement lit up Sugawara's eyes. "Bring him back here."

"I will."

 

* * *

 

 

' We _all had fears from time to time._

_That was true no matter how big we were or how brave we can be._

_It can even be good for you sometimes._

_Fear of getting too close to a fire can help you avoid a burn._

_Fear of getting a bad grade on an exam can make you study more._

_Fear of someone who hurt you can help you stay away from that pain._ '

 

Kageyama had repeated those words over and over again, every time he felt worried for Karasuno's broken baby crow.

They didn't help him feel better about himself.

They made him feel better about Hinata instead.

 

But he couldn't think as he heard it.

White-hot panic blinded the setter as he recognized the sound. Fear for his friend clouded his ears.

Someone was screaming.  _Hinata_ was screaming.

 

And it was the most terrifying sound Kageyama had ever heard.

It was even worse than the wail Hinata had released when the gaping bruise on his thigh was unsettled in the most uncomfortable of ways.

That sound had been triggered by the sheer pain of his injuries, but this one?

 

This one was pure emotional agony.

Kageyama knew the difference by then.

 

The squeal of rubber against tarmac didn't pull him from his dissoluble trance. Kageyama could barely register the provoked shouts of drivers as they cursed at the reckless teenager and his 'suicidal' actions.

Because Hinata was hurting, and no one was there for him.

No one but Kageyama, of course.

 

"Hinata? Hinata, can you hear me?"

The setter stooped beside the sobbing middle blocker, moving a hand and placing it on his shoulder.

Hinata didn't flinch away this time, only wailed harder.

Eyes of gunmetal blue softened as he gazed at his best friend. His heart ached to see Hinata like this. It always did, whenever something else fell out of place for him.

 

Kageyama rubbed circles into the shorter boy's back, shushing until Hinata's cries dimmed to nothing but weak sniffles.

"K-Kageyama," Hinata croaked, still staring at the grass underneath him, "g-go away..."

 

"No," Kageyama countered, "dumbass, you think I want to leave you alone when you're like this?"

"Wh-why...?"

The setter stared for a few seconds.

"Why?" he repeated. "Why do I want to stay with you? God dammit, Hinata, can't you see? I'm worried about you! Everyone is! You've been acting mopey and you won't tell us anything and  _you're making everyone so, so worried, Hinata._ "

 

The middle blocker seemed to consider this for a few moments. His breaths came out quiet and gaspy, his uninspired honey eyes squeezing closed. Kageyama didn't push him to respond.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm sorry for worrying everyone. I'm sorry for burdening you all. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

 

Kageyama's heart melted

How could it not, when someone so obviously damaged was being such a pain in the ass and apologizing for everything he had ever done, when he hadn't even done anything wrong in the first place?

 

"I don't know how to manage this any longer, Kageyama."

"You might be broken, but you aren't damaged goods, Hinata. You aren't any less valuable than those who consider themselves whole. Stop selling yourself short. Because you know how to manage more than the rest of us."

 

Hinata looked up from the grass.

"So corny," he whispered.

 

Kageyama felt the ends of lips turn up at the remark.

"Rude," he avowed quietly, and Hinata actually laughed.

It was musical like a bird's song, and it matched his lips so, so beautifully. 

 

Kageyama decided he liked that sound quite a lot.

 

* * *

 

 

They were gone for quite a while.

 

After half an hour of absence, Sugawara had finally noticed the time. Class would be starting in five minutes and they still had yet to change out of their gym clothes.

 

"How would we explain?" Yamaguchi pointed out as he stripped off his shirt.

Sugawara hummed. "Are you in the same class as him for first period?"

"Yeah. We have English."

 

"Tell the teacher that they both fell ill, and they had to go home," Tanaka offered as he pulled off his volleyball trainers and kicked them across the room. "That's sort of believable."

"Or we could just tell Takeda-Sensei that something happened and he would tell the rest of the faculty that they went home. It's even more believable from a teacher's mouth," Daichi inputted, his deep voice loud over everybody else's.

Shuffling his arms through the sleeves of his shirt, Sugawara nodded in agreement. "And Takeda-Sensei won't ask questions. I'll tell him when I see him, alright?"

 

* * *

 

 

Half-way through first period English, there was a knock on the door.

"Come in," the teacher called in her annoyingly monotone voice, and the door gently swung open.

 

Tsukishima was happy to see Kageyama and Hinata enter quietly, however he didn't show it as much as Yamaguchi did.

The pinch server grinned excitedly at them, friendly eyes glazing over in warm comfort as he observed his teammate's expressions. Hinata was smiling, albeit falsely, and Kageyama looked impassive as ever.

But Tsukishima squinted.

And saw something more in the setter's cold ocean eyes.

 

_That was worry._

Tsukishima had seen it enough within their team to recognize it almost immediately.

His face was slackened, his brow furrowed - eyes darting toward Hinata at every breath he took.

 

And the middle blocker looked worse than Tsukishima had originally thought, too. No wonder Kageyama was so fretfully concerned.

His honey eyes, once ignited with false fire, were glassy and lost. More so than usual. It looked as if he had just seen a first-hand murder.

(Tsukishima had thought he _had_ seen a murder when he had first met Hinata.)

The blonde thought he was going to cry right there and then, but he didn't. Thankfully.

 

_Kageyama wouldn't have been able to take it if Hinata had burst into tears in that moment._

 

"Sorry we are late, Sensei," Kageyama conceded, barely regarding the stares of the other students as he and Hinata went to sit down behind Tsukishima and Yamaguchi.

There was a moment of tense quiet.

Hinata usually said he was sorry when he was late. It wouldn't be a formal apology like Kageyama's, but it would be bright and happy, spoken in a voice that could only come off as undamaged to those who didn't know better.

 

But Hinata didn't say anything.

Tsukishima found it strange that he was still dwelling on the middle blocker's uncharacteristic silence.

 

Suddenly there was an aura of grey hanging in the room. A mist that refused to rise, how stubborn and lingering it was.

 

The Sensei was quick to resume the lesson soon after.

Tsukishima turned to face his teammate as she spoke, the ends of his lips turned up in a slight smile. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, we're fine," Kageyama responded immediately, then turned his eyes to look at the gaunt-faced ginger beside him. "Both of us are okay, Tsukishima. Don't worry."

An eyebrow raised skeptically, Tsukishima sunk back into his chair.

 

It was clear to him that Hinata wasn't okay, and hadn't been for a while.

 

"I can't believe you're worried about another life form," Yamaguchi commented offhandedly.

Tsukishima didn't have the energy to glare at his best friend. Instead he only took off his glasses to clean them.

"Everybody worries about him. I'm no different, Yams."

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> comments are appriciated!  
> see you in the next chapter!


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